I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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