Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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