I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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