Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
