can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize