Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
