i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
jump out the window naked night went bad
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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