if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize