I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
