you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
