dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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