If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am midnight drunk by noon
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
