I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
