he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
