When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
