I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The power of my boobs compel you
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
