when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
