Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
