theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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