what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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