I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
