Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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