At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
