I wanna bring you to show and tell
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
