Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
