i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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