Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
