i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
