after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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