Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize