all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sobbing to NWA
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
