All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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