he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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