I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
