You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
