My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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