Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
