Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
