i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
