Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
