She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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