I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
