mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
