i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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