I wish I could punch you in the face.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
