I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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