I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
