We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I could make wine with my vomit
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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