Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
