sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
