My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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