Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize