I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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