apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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