remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
