just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just invented taco cereal.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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