i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
