my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize