Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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